This journal is now locked. Don't bother commenting to be added. In fact, I'll even remove the comment feature, because you're most likely not welcome here... unless I've already added you first, of course. And just for the record: if you were once on this list and no longer are, then I probably can't trust you like I thought I could.

XOX

The more and more I think about it, the more I regret ever having sex with Ryan, aka 'The Boy'. What was I thinking? I asked myself this in the last entry and I still can't figure out why I did what I did. Most of all, I think it was because I just needed to have sex. That sounds awfully slutty, but that's the truth.

I feel nothing for him. We have absolutely nothing in common. Nada. Our interests are different, our points of view aren't even similar, and sometimes he gets on my fucking nerves because he's so negative about everything. But he's really cute.

Anyway, I think I made a mistake.

But a friend made a good point: that's how you learn from things, by making mistakes first. I'm positive that I'm not the only girl in the world that has ever slept with someone they didn't care about and then later regret it. I'm glad I'm not alone in my stupidity.

And much as I don't want to be in a relationship right now, I can't help thinking of how good it used to feel to be wanted and loved. I see how happy Meg is with Danny and sometimes I miss having someone to google over while they want me just as much. But then I think of how much of a bad idea it would be for me to be with anyone right now; I'll think of how silly I'm being because I know that I'll find someone again and to rush something like that is just wickedly stupid.

My healing, broken heart can still be overly sensitive. I'll get over it.

On a much happier note that made my day: seeing Derek, my old high school crush, at Best Buy last night. There is no other boy in this world who could top how amazingly beautiful this one is. There are no words. He's gorgeous, simple as that. Before last night it had been over 2 years since I last saw him (the day of his high school graduation). He hasn't changed a bit, either - still sex on legs. Every girl has found a boy like that, one who sends her insides into such a mess that she can't even think properly. He stuns me.

*deep, peaceful, dreamy, happy sigh*

Yesterday started out innocently enough and ended up not so innocent. So why not be totally blatant about it? I had sex with that boy that visited me. I met him over a month ago. But I hate when I do something and then wonder later if I should've done that something or not. I hate when I question myself too. But anyhow, that's not all we did - we went to lunch at Friday's and watched the Neverending Story on DVD.

I don't think I have anything else to say about this, though.

Around 5:30, shortly after The Boy left, Meg came over and we went to dinner at Double T with Mike and my mom. Afterwards, Meg and I left and went over to Record & Tape Traders - only to leave shortly thereafter cos neither of us really have any money to be shopping for music.

As usual we went into Barnes & Noble, but minus Starbucks this time. I wasn't in the mood for coffee and neither was Meg. We walked around a bit, looked at some magazines, and I bought The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, as Meg highly recommended it. I can't wait to start reading it, but first, I have to finish About a Boy.

At around 8:30 we went over to Ruby Tuesday's to get dessert because we wanted it and thought we deserved it. I met Meg's friend, Amber, who works there and she's so cute and nice. Such a sweet girl. I spotted out this sexy dude who works there also and Meg asked Amber what his name was, also to tell her that I thought he was a hottie. Amber asked if I wanted her to pass that on to him and I said what the hell? She did and he said in return: "yeah, I saw her checking me out so now I'm checking her out." POUNCE!

After dessert we took a drive to Connowingo and drove through Port Deposit - which is such a cute, quaint little shore town. There are some really beautiful-looking churches and cathedral-type buildings there. They're really cool to see.

At 10 we decided to grab some blankets and go up to North Harford to lay down and look at the stars and laugh and talk and just have a really good time. Meg and I both saw, like, 5 shooting stars just in the 45 minutes that we were there. I love looking at the stars and they look so much better when there isn't any other light polluting the sky.

I walked in the door at exactly 12 AM and now here I am 2 hours later. So in a sense it was yesterday because it is now today. That was my day. I'm still not sure what to think of part of it.

Goodnight.

I think Meg and I are going to get our lips pierced together this winter. Man, I'm gonna be so punk rock. How cool am I? hehe. But I think I'd really like to get it done. I'm finally getting my brow pierced this month - not sure when, though. I don't know the exact day that Tony is going to be in Bel Air. I should probably ask him again because when he first told me I think the date was tentative.

I just figure that I'm tired of being such a pansy. I've wanted to get a few different piercings but the idea of a big needle going through me has always derailed my desire to do it. So I'm tired of being a scared little twit. I'm gonna do it.

I need another good show to go to. I'm going through a major withdrawal. How can you go see a show as fabulous as Garbage and No Doubt and then leave not wanting more? I have no money, though, which kind of poses a problem. If anyone wants to donate money to the "support Kellie to go see another amazing show" fund then please do and I'll love you forever. hehe.

I think I've met an interesting boy. Not anyone to have an actual committed relationship with, because I don't want that in my life right now. But he's cute and he makes me laugh and is coming to visit me later today. I don't know what we'll do because everything here is so unentertaining. He wants a massage cos he says his back hurts so he asked me to give him one. I could mention what else I'd like to do, and what I know he'd like to do as well, but I think I'm gonna save it and keep my mouth shut. I should really go to sleep because I'll never wake up later when I'm supposed to.

I'm thinking of coloring my hair again. Its been such a long time since I last dyed it something fun - and besides, my roots are beginning to show. I haven't seen the ugly, boring, natural brown color that it is in ages.

Right now 20/20 is on with Barbara Walters, featuring The Osbournes. I have made a definite point in taping this because I just think Sharon Osbourne is such an amazing woman. She totally fascinates me and her strength is really inspiring. She's gotta be one of the coolest moms on the block.

I think I'm finally coming together. In the last few weeks I've felt more like my old self than I have this entire year. Even mom has noticed that I'm smiling again. Last night, while Meg and I were out having coffee, we agreed that 2002 has been one of the worst years ever for the both of us. For months and months I've been waiting for this year to be over with because it has literally been the worst year of my life - due to many different things. I know I haven't exactly done my best to make it a better year, but it certainly hasn't been all on me.

I'm happy to be me again.

I'm in a good mood and I don't remember the last time I felt like this. It's not like seeing a concert you've been waiting months for - I feel totally content and I like it.

I dreamt the other day about a boy. I don't know who he is, I couldn't see him. It was like sitting through a movie with your eyes closed. I thought I could hear something but it was like static from a television. Everything looked digital but I still couldn't see that boy.

I've been downloading songs off of Grinspoon's newest album, New Detention. They never fail to amaze me. This band is so goddamn cool, I went through a huge 2 year obsession with them about a year ago. Earlier I put Guide To Better Living and Easy into my player. I still can't decide which album is better - I don't like choosing. They're both rockin' good. What else can I say, other than that Phil Jamieson is the coolest cat. Meow, meow. Everyone go to Grinspoon's official website and read Phil's news archive. "Anyone that sees songwriting as a chore rather than a love should be shot." I love how totally blunt he is.

Can't get started
Chemical heart
Every time I get started
You pull me apart

Pulp Fiction is one of the strangest movies I've seen. It's on TV right now and believe it or not this is the first time I've ever seen it at all. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but I love John Travolta. Everyone should love him.

I want to fuck this song. Really, I do. It is so incredible - I've been listening to it nonstop for hours and hours. Dillusion is a good band, everyone should check them out.

So, what's new?

Friday afternoon Ashley picked me up and we went to White Marsh to go shopping. Stopping by Wawa first to get money out of the ATM, of course. We looked around in Sam Goody's and I ended up buying 'Sing Sing Death House' by The Distillers. This album rocks, I'm so glad I bought it. It was worth the ridiculous price that Sam Goody sold it for. My favorite is "Sick Of It All" but I also really, really love "The Young Crazed Peeling" and "City Of Angels" - all of it is good. I urged Ashley to buy the Nsync DVD that she ended up with, even if I always tease her about liking them.

We went into Hot Topic and unfortunately all I had enough money for that day was for some make-up, but I'm happy with that. I bought some new, sexy lip gloss and this shiny, pretty pink nail polish.

Afterwards we went across the way over to The Avenue and got some frappachinos at Starbucks. While we were there this really sweet guy named Drew, who works at Starbucks, asked for Ashley's phone number - he was such a gentleman about it! "Hi... I don't mean to be forward, but can I get a name or a phone number maybe? I just thought you were cute so I thought I'd come over here pretending to bus your table." Isn't that adorable? Before we left I made Ash give him her number, because she was too chicken shit without any encouragement.

Later we went to a million different places to sit down for dinner. Ruby Tuesday's was a massive sea of people so we turned right around before we even stepped inside. We tried Chili's next but even there was too busy. I was starting to get annoyed because it was already 8:30 PM and I was to be meeting Meg at 9 o'clock to get some [more] coffee. Yes, coffee late at night. I'm starting to sound like my friend Kristy now who drinks coffee at, like, all hours of the day. Anyway, after finding out that Chili's was packed I thought of the Italian Sensation and luckily there were only a few people in there. Meg called on my cell right as we sat down to eat our slices of pizza, so I had her meet me there.

Ashley went over to Erika's and Meg and I went to the Starbucks/Barnes & Noble in town. had our coffee and then went to Walmart to to do shopping there. Meg and I bought matching Barbie watches, they're so cute. I like mine. We went to her house after we left and hung out for awhile until I went home at 12 AM.

Jesus, what a long entry and that was only for Friday. But I guess that was the extent of my weekend really. So enough for now.

Swiftly tearing away from
The planet embraced
By the pool of the sun
Reaching for the unidentified
While striving to find
Shelter from the cold
On a path of what's by you
A chance to soar
And to fly free
Over everything
You've turned out not to be
I will arise away from the eyes
To find shelter from the cold

Hmmm...

Is it wrong to be mostly attracted to a certain person in only a sexual way? Meaning that, you only want to have sex with them and then honestly not want anything more? That's how I think of Zach.

We've hung out a few times, after it was indirectly established that we were both into each other. But after a little while I started to realize that his head is in a cloud of smoke, literally. He really doesn't talk about much else other than pot - but hey that's only in the few times I've gotten together with him. I kind of found his personality just totally boring. Maybe it was because we had smoked a couple times together and I suppose I didn't find him interesting then due to that... who knows?

I never called him back the last time we hung out. I just wasn't impressed with who he appeared to be. That doesn't mean someone doesn't deserve a second chance, of course.

But on the other hand - godDAMN is he ever sexy. I'm talking sex on legs! On top of that he has a really nice body and he was really into me. So I think I can honestly say that I wouldn't mind having sex with him and then not expect anything else. This sounds kind of slutty, I'm sure, but I'm really tired of caring about wondering if I should care about all of my fellow sex partners or not. Sometimes you just need sex. Period.

I just have to squeal and jump around and scream because my friend, Vanessa, has just asked me if I'd like to be hosted at her new personal domain, feedyourobsession.com. The name of the site comes from a song by Garbage called "Supervixen" and Van and I are both wildly huge Garbage fans. She is just too, too cool. I'm totally honored to be the first and only person she's hosting. Thankyou, Van!

If you visit the site right now you'll find stacks of awesome digital art by Vanessa herself. They're really wicked so check them out.

I'm sick. I've got a lousy cold. I really hate being sick - I can't stop coughing, sneezing, or blowing my nose. I hope this passes quickly because I have things to do and how're you ever supposed to feel like doing anything when you're sick?

I'm in total agreement with what Vanessa said to me the other day. I'm really wishing that I were seeing No Doubt again. Garbage were !! on this tour but No Doubt had set me on such a high. They, by far, put on the coolest show I've ever seen - and that's saying a lot, I think, because I've seen stacks and stacks of my favorite bands and the fact that No Doubt has topped all of them is kind of surprising. It was the most fun I've had in a long time.

Right now I'm watching The Goodbye Girl on TV, drinking hot tea, and attempting to download a few songs on winMX - that is, of course, if I don't end up constantly losing each download connection. Blah.

I think I may finally be getting my brow pierced. Next month I'm meeting up with this guy who does piercings professionally and he's doing it for me for only $10. Very, very cool of him, considering a brow piercing can cost up to $50. He's nice.

I really wish there were some local bands in my area. I miss going to see STD with Ashley, which I used to do every few weeks cos they played shows all the time. Unfortunately, though, they're no longer together - sucks. Ryan, a boy that I've met and become friends with, pointed me towards a website with a listing of most local shows in the Maryland and D.C. area, but I can't remember the URL. Damnitall. Ryan is in a band but he lives about 45 minutes from me so that's kind of a long haul just for a local show; thus making it not very local. Ah well.

I've been taking hundreds of personality tests at emode.com. I love this website. Go sign up and enjoy the same.

I'm thinking of going back to sleep for a few hours. I don't know, I've slept so much in the past couple of days. See, I hate being sick.