This complicated life.

Mmm, mmmm...

2002-12-27T09:57:49Z

The more and more I think about it, the more I regret ever having sex with Ryan, aka 'The Boy'. What was I thinking? I asked myself this in the last entry and I still can't figure out why I did what I did. Most of all, I think it was because I just needed to have sex. That sounds awfully slutty, but that's the truth.

I feel nothing for him. We have absolutely nothing in common. Nada. Our interests are different, our points of view aren't even similar, and sometimes he gets on my fucking nerves because he's so negative about everything. But he's really cute.

Anyway, I think I made a mistake.

But a friend made a good point: that's how you learn from things, by making mistakes first. I'm positive that I'm not the only girl in the world that has ever slept with someone they didn't care about and then later regret it. I'm glad I'm not alone in my stupidity.

And much as I don't want to be in a relationship right now, I can't help thinking of how good it used to feel to be wanted and loved. I see how happy Meg is with Danny and sometimes I miss having someone to google over while they want me just as much. But then I think of how much of a bad idea it would be for me to be with anyone right now; I'll think of how silly I'm being because I know that I'll find someone again and to rush something like that is just wickedly stupid.

My healing, broken heart can still be overly sensitive. I'll get over it.

On a much happier note that made my day: seeing Derek, my old high school crush, at Best Buy last night. There is no other boy in this world who could top how amazingly beautiful this one is. There are no words. He's gorgeous, simple as that. Before last night it had been over 2 years since I last saw him (the day of his high school graduation). He hasn't changed a bit, either - still sex on legs. Every girl has found a boy like that, one who sends her insides into such a mess that she can't even think properly. He stuns me.

*deep, peaceful, dreamy, happy sigh*

What did I get myself into?

2002-12-27T09:54:07Z

Yesterday started out innocently enough and ended up not so innocent. So why not be totally blatant about it? I had sex with that boy that visited me. I met him over a month ago. But I hate when I do something and then wonder later if I should've done that something or not. I hate when I question myself too. But anyhow, that's not all we did - we went to lunch at Friday's and watched the Neverending Story on DVD.

I don't think I have anything else to say about this, though.

Around 5:30, shortly after The Boy left, Meg came over and we went to dinner at Double T with Mike and my mom. Afterwards, Meg and I left and went over to Record & Tape Traders - only to leave shortly thereafter cos neither of us really have any money to be shopping for music.

As usual we went into Barnes & Noble, but minus Starbucks this time. I wasn't in the mood for coffee and neither was Meg. We walked around a bit, looked at some magazines, and I bought The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, as Meg highly recommended it. I can't wait to start reading it, but first, I have to finish About a Boy.

At around 8:30 we went over to Ruby Tuesday's to get dessert because we wanted it and thought we deserved it. I met Meg's friend, Amber, who works there and she's so cute and nice. Such a sweet girl. I spotted out this sexy dude who works there also and Meg asked Amber what his name was, also to tell her that I thought he was a hottie. Amber asked if I wanted her to pass that on to him and I said what the hell? She did and he said in return: "yeah, I saw her checking me out so now I'm checking her out." POUNCE!

After dessert we took a drive to Connowingo and drove through Port Deposit - which is such a cute, quaint little shore town. There are some really beautiful-looking churches and cathedral-type buildings there. They're really cool to see.

At 10 we decided to grab some blankets and go up to North Harford to lay down and look at the stars and laugh and talk and just have a really good time. Meg and I both saw, like, 5 shooting stars just in the 45 minutes that we were there. I love looking at the stars and they look so much better when there isn't any other light polluting the sky.

I walked in the door at exactly 12 AM and now here I am 2 hours later. So in a sense it was yesterday because it is now today. That was my day. I'm still not sure what to think of part of it.

Goodnight.

whisperedsilent @ 2002-11-08T02:45:00

2002-12-27T09:51:07Z

I think Meg and I are going to get our lips pierced together this winter. Man, I'm gonna be so punk rock. How cool am I? hehe. But I think I'd really like to get it done. I'm finally getting my brow pierced this month - not sure when, though. I don't know the exact day that Tony is going to be in Bel Air. I should probably ask him again because when he first told me I think the date was tentative.

I just figure that I'm tired of being such a pansy. I've wanted to get a few different piercings but the idea of a big needle going through me has always derailed my desire to do it. So I'm tired of being a scared little twit. I'm gonna do it.

I need another good show to go to. I'm going through a major withdrawal. How can you go see a show as fabulous as Garbage and No Doubt and then leave not wanting more? I have no money, though, which kind of poses a problem. If anyone wants to donate money to the "support Kellie to go see another amazing show" fund then please do and I'll love you forever. hehe.

I think I've met an interesting boy. Not anyone to have an actual committed relationship with, because I don't want that in my life right now. But he's cute and he makes me laugh and is coming to visit me later today. I don't know what we'll do because everything here is so unentertaining. He wants a massage cos he says his back hurts so he asked me to give him one. I could mention what else I'd like to do, and what I know he'd like to do as well, but I think I'm gonna save it and keep my mouth shut. I should really go to sleep because I'll never wake up later when I'm supposed to.

whisperedsilent @ 2002-11-06T22:30:00

2002-12-27T09:48:26Z

I'm thinking of coloring my hair again. Its been such a long time since I last dyed it something fun - and besides, my roots are beginning to show. I haven't seen the ugly, boring, natural brown color that it is in ages.

Right now 20/20 is on with Barbara Walters, featuring The Osbournes. I have made a definite point in taping this because I just think Sharon Osbourne is such an amazing woman. She totally fascinates me and her strength is really inspiring. She's gotta be one of the coolest moms on the block.

I think I'm finally coming together. In the last few weeks I've felt more like my old self than I have this entire year. Even mom has noticed that I'm smiling again. Last night, while Meg and I were out having coffee, we agreed that 2002 has been one of the worst years ever for the both of us. For months and months I've been waiting for this year to be over with because it has literally been the worst year of my life - due to many different things. I know I haven't exactly done my best to make it a better year, but it certainly hasn't been all on me.

I'm happy to be me again.

whisperedsilent @ 2002-11-04T23:53:00

2002-12-27T09:45:02Z

I'm in a good mood and I don't remember the last time I felt like this. It's not like seeing a concert you've been waiting months for - I feel totally content and I like it.

I dreamt the other day about a boy. I don't know who he is, I couldn't see him. It was like sitting through a movie with your eyes closed. I thought I could hear something but it was like static from a television. Everything looked digital but I still couldn't see that boy.

I've been downloading songs off of Grinspoon's newest album, New Detention. They never fail to amaze me. This band is so goddamn cool, I went through a huge 2 year obsession with them about a year ago. Earlier I put Guide To Better Living and Easy into my player. I still can't decide which album is better - I don't like choosing. They're both rockin' good. What else can I say, other than that Phil Jamieson is the coolest cat. Meow, meow. Everyone go to Grinspoon's official website and read Phil's news archive. "Anyone that sees songwriting as a chore rather than a love should be shot." I love how totally blunt he is.

Can't get started
Chemical heart
Every time I get started
You pull me apart

Pulp Fiction is one of the strangest movies I've seen. It's on TV right now and believe it or not this is the first time I've ever seen it at all. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but I love John Travolta. Everyone should love him.

I will arise away from the eyes.

2002-12-27T09:42:10Z

I want to fuck this song. Really, I do. It is so incredible - I've been listening to it nonstop for hours and hours. Dillusion is a good band, everyone should check them out.

So, what's new?

Friday afternoon Ashley picked me up and we went to White Marsh to go shopping. Stopping by Wawa first to get money out of the ATM, of course. We looked around in Sam Goody's and I ended up buying 'Sing Sing Death House' by The Distillers. This album rocks, I'm so glad I bought it. It was worth the ridiculous price that Sam Goody sold it for. My favorite is "Sick Of It All" but I also really, really love "The Young Crazed Peeling" and "City Of Angels" - all of it is good. I urged Ashley to buy the Nsync DVD that she ended up with, even if I always tease her about liking them.

We went into Hot Topic and unfortunately all I had enough money for that day was for some make-up, but I'm happy with that. I bought some new, sexy lip gloss and this shiny, pretty pink nail polish.

Afterwards we went across the way over to The Avenue and got some frappachinos at Starbucks. While we were there this really sweet guy named Drew, who works at Starbucks, asked for Ashley's phone number - he was such a gentleman about it! "Hi... I don't mean to be forward, but can I get a name or a phone number maybe? I just thought you were cute so I thought I'd come over here pretending to bus your table." Isn't that adorable? Before we left I made Ash give him her number, because she was too chicken shit without any encouragement.

Later we went to a million different places to sit down for dinner. Ruby Tuesday's was a massive sea of people so we turned right around before we even stepped inside. We tried Chili's next but even there was too busy. I was starting to get annoyed because it was already 8:30 PM and I was to be meeting Meg at 9 o'clock to get some [more] coffee. Yes, coffee late at night. I'm starting to sound like my friend Kristy now who drinks coffee at, like, all hours of the day. Anyway, after finding out that Chili's was packed I thought of the Italian Sensation and luckily there were only a few people in there. Meg called on my cell right as we sat down to eat our slices of pizza, so I had her meet me there.

Ashley went over to Erika's and Meg and I went to the Starbucks/Barnes & Noble in town. had our coffee and then went to Walmart to to do shopping there. Meg and I bought matching Barbie watches, they're so cute. I like mine. We went to her house after we left and hung out for awhile until I went home at 12 AM.

Jesus, what a long entry and that was only for Friday. But I guess that was the extent of my weekend really. So enough for now.

Swiftly tearing away from
The planet embraced
By the pool of the sun
Reaching for the unidentified
While striving to find
Shelter from the cold
On a path of what's by you
A chance to soar
And to fly free
Over everything
You've turned out not to be
I will arise away from the eyes
To find shelter from the cold

"Zach said hi. He said, 'where's she been?'"

2002-12-27T09:32:05Z

Hmmm...

Is it wrong to be mostly attracted to a certain person in only a sexual way? Meaning that, you only want to have sex with them and then honestly not want anything more? That's how I think of Zach.

We've hung out a few times, after it was indirectly established that we were both into each other. But after a little while I started to realize that his head is in a cloud of smoke, literally. He really doesn't talk about much else other than pot - but hey that's only in the few times I've gotten together with him. I kind of found his personality just totally boring. Maybe it was because we had smoked a couple times together and I suppose I didn't find him interesting then due to that... who knows?

I never called him back the last time we hung out. I just wasn't impressed with who he appeared to be. That doesn't mean someone doesn't deserve a second chance, of course.

But on the other hand - godDAMN is he ever sexy. I'm talking sex on legs! On top of that he has a really nice body and he was really into me. So I think I can honestly say that I wouldn't mind having sex with him and then not expect anything else. This sounds kind of slutty, I'm sure, but I'm really tired of caring about wondering if I should care about all of my fellow sex partners or not. Sometimes you just need sex. Period.

Vanessa rocks my world.

2002-12-27T09:29:35Z

I just have to squeal and jump around and scream because my friend, Vanessa, has just asked me if I'd like to be hosted at her new personal domain, feedyourobsession.com. The name of the site comes from a song by Garbage called "Supervixen" and Van and I are both wildly huge Garbage fans. She is just too, too cool. I'm totally honored to be the first and only person she's hosting. Thankyou, Van!

If you visit the site right now you'll find stacks of awesome digital art by Vanessa herself. They're really wicked so check them out.

I hate being sick.

2002-12-27T09:27:46Z

I'm sick. I've got a lousy cold. I really hate being sick - I can't stop coughing, sneezing, or blowing my nose. I hope this passes quickly because I have things to do and how're you ever supposed to feel like doing anything when you're sick?

I'm in total agreement with what Vanessa said to me the other day. I'm really wishing that I were seeing No Doubt again. Garbage were !! on this tour but No Doubt had set me on such a high. They, by far, put on the coolest show I've ever seen - and that's saying a lot, I think, because I've seen stacks and stacks of my favorite bands and the fact that No Doubt has topped all of them is kind of surprising. It was the most fun I've had in a long time.

Right now I'm watching The Goodbye Girl on TV, drinking hot tea, and attempting to download a few songs on winMX - that is, of course, if I don't end up constantly losing each download connection. Blah.

I think I may finally be getting my brow pierced. Next month I'm meeting up with this guy who does piercings professionally and he's doing it for me for only $10. Very, very cool of him, considering a brow piercing can cost up to $50. He's nice.

I really wish there were some local bands in my area. I miss going to see STD with Ashley, which I used to do every few weeks cos they played shows all the time. Unfortunately, though, they're no longer together - sucks. Ryan, a boy that I've met and become friends with, pointed me towards a website with a listing of most local shows in the Maryland and D.C. area, but I can't remember the URL. Damnitall. Ryan is in a band but he lives about 45 minutes from me so that's kind of a long haul just for a local show; thus making it not very local. Ah well.

I've been taking hundreds of personality tests at emode.com. I love this website. Go sign up and enjoy the same.

I'm thinking of going back to sleep for a few hours. I don't know, I've slept so much in the past couple of days. See, I hate being sick.

The best show I have EVER seen!

2002-12-27T09:26:01Z

I had been waiting for this show just a little more than 3 months total. Its been a long time since I've had a really good show to look forward to, so the fact that I just got back from seeing The Distillers, Garbage, and No Doubt has me completely beside myself. I know that after every concert I go to I always end up saying afterwards that "it was the best show I have ever seen!" etc, etc. and tonight was no different. Actually, it was far different - because this time there is no doubt in my mind that IT WAS THE BEST SHOW I HAVE EVER SEEN!

Ashley and I made to it the Baltimore Arena safely and without a problem, right at 6 o'clock - time doors opened. As guessed, we were forced to stand outside quite past 6... more like 6:30, 6:45. That was even more unfortunate because it was raining and freezing outside, and me, being the bright girl that I am [not] I didn't bring any kind of jacket/hoodie/sweater. Nothing. So needless to say I was quite damp and cold by the time we got inside.

After we got in and as soon as we handed our tickets over, we went out onto the floor to find a good spot, on the right side of the stage and in the front. Shortly after we met up with Ashley's sister, April and April's boyfriend, Chris. I think I might've met April once before, quite awhile ago, but she's cool.

The Distillers came on, I don't know, around 7? It couldn't have been much past that. I am not much familiar with their music so I have no idea what the setlist was. But I loved them! The singer's vocals kind of reminded me of Courtney Love, but maybe a little deeper. If I hadn't seen her up there singing, I probably would've guessed it was a man singing. Not that this takes away from how rockin' they were! I liked them a lot, actually - enough to go buy their album. They're also way cool because they dedicated their last song to Shirley Manson. There's not much else I can say about them because this was my first time getting to know their sound/songs.

Skip to Garbage.

When the lights went out for Garbage I HAD A FUCKING COW! The first few things I thought of, literally, was of my friend Emmy, because she knows how much I love Garbage and was the one to give me my very first Garbage t-shirt. And it's a cute, cool one, and can't be found here cos it came from Australia. So anyway...

When Shirley walked out onstage I thought I was going to pass out. She is such a goddess in every sense of the word. She is just so goddamn cool with her hair all blonde and spiked, wearing an army [green] style jacket, with a flannel-striped pattern skirt. I love the way she dresses. So she hit the shit as you all can imagine.

I had brought in a pen and paper to write down the setlist but of course my pen didn't work. Luckily I've managed to actually remember everything they hit, but not in order. I've listed them in order of what album it came from:

"Only Happy When It Rains"
"Vow"
"Stupid Girl"
"Milk"
"I think I'm Paranoid"
"Special"
"Push It"
"Shut Your Mouth"
"Cherry Lips"
"#1 Crush"

The whole band put on such a mesmorizing performance. They sound so good live - I mean perfect. Shirley talked to the audience quite a bit. She put on, over her clothes, a black bra that was thrown up onto the stage - but took it off within just a few short minutes saying to us, "sorry girls! I don't have anything to fit in there." The bra was actually for someone with quite a huge bust. Afterwards, she proceeded to go into a song but started laughing so hard when a few other bras were thrown onto the stage again. Though she didn't put any of them on this time. At another time she had went to say something to the crowd but her words jumbled and she laughed, saying to herself, "and... I've just completely gone blank. so start the song now shirley." It was funny.

I really wish this had been a show that Garbage were headlining - I would've loved it if they had played a ton of more songs, but ah well. No Doubt made up for that, though, let me tell you.

I only own their first nationally released album, Tragic Kingdom, so I am not completely familiar with all of their songs - most of them, yes, but not all of them. So that's why I don't have the full setlist, not even close to it. Their set, I swear to it, was at least almost 2 hours long and full of so many of their songs. I do remember that they opened with "Hella Good" and had the whole damn place going crazy. Everyone was jumping, dancing, moshing - just going fucking crazy. There isn't any other way to put it. That was definitely one hardcore mass of No Doubt fans. More than half of everyone there had to be singing along to every song, and sometimes singing an entire verse for Gwen.

Gwen looked as Gwen always looks: fabulous. She wore a red halter-top with some kind of shiny-gold lettering on the front. I don't know what it said. Her hair was long and blonde and spastic as usual, put high above her head with it cascading down. She had on a cool ass pair of pants with a buckle around it that I want and want to know where she bought it. Oh, god, and the rest of the band - they were all quite decked out. Tom had this rad-looking hat on, it kind of looked like a beanie, but I don't think it was. He had a dark colored and square-checkered suit on with patches sewn on the back. Tony had his hair in a wild, blond mohawk and had a workout sweat band around his head. He had a yellow shirt with pants on, and again, patches all over it. But Adrian... fucking wackiest of them all: a tiny little nightie with flowers printed all over it, the two nipples at the front cut out, black biking shorts under it, and a white frizzy wig. Get all that?

Gwen was very cool. She had us sing along with her throughout most of the songs and always came out to the center stage that was set up. Adrian even played drums out there in front, like, 5 feet from me. During "Just A Girl" she had all the girls scream and then started laughing after she said to us, "man! you have to be the loudest girls I've heard!" to which of course all us girls screamed even louder - Gwen covering her ears partially, and laughing along. She later had us scream louder than New York, saying, "so lets see if you guys can give it up better than New York did the other night." I think we did. I don't know how loud that crowd was, but our's seemed like it was at the maximum.

What I can remember them playing is as follows. It isn't much of a list, but oh well:

"Sunday Morning"
"Just A Girl"
"Spiderwebs"
"Don't Apeak" (truly fucking beautiful)
"Different People"
"Ex-girlfriend"
"Simple Kind Of Life"
"Hella Good"
"Hey Baby"
"Underneath It All"
"In My Head"
"Rock Steady"

As soon as the show was through, Ashley and I headed over to the merch stand. I bought a black Garbage t-shirt with the dates of this tour on the back, and a baseball style t-shirt with No Doubt on the front and Garbage on the back - dates included on the back of that shirt as well. I was reminded of why I don't usually buy merchandise at shows anymore - the Garbage shirt, alone, was $27. The baseball t was only $15 cos I bought it from a guy selling them outside on the venue. But for fuck's sake, music merchandise is just too expensive. It was well worth it this time, though.

It is now 2 o'clock in the morning and its taken me over an hour to write all of this up. Its got to be the most detailed show review I've written in a long time. I may add a few things here and there if things come to mind about it that I just can't recall right now. I'm tired and so sore, more sore than I've ever been coming out of a concert. My headache has finally gone away so it's time for some much needed sleep.

Garbage tomorrow!

2002-12-27T09:23:39Z

I don't have much to say. I'm too rapt up in thinking of seeing Garbage/No Doubt tomorrow so all this entry would be is me raving about that. Other than that, I bought Taproot's new album, Welcome, and I love it. It's definitely different from their first album but I really love it. That's all I've been listening to since I bought it.

whisperedsilent @ 2002-10-20T21:13:00

2002-12-27T04:51:15Z

Smiling in their faces
While filling up the hole
So many dirty little places
In your filthy little worn out
Broken down see through soul

Baby's got a problem
Tries so hard to hide
Got to keep it on the surface
Because everything else
Is dead on the other side

Teeth in the necks
Of everyone you know
You can keep on sucking
Until the blood won't flow
When it starts to hurt
It only helps it grow
Taking all you need
(But not this time)
No, you don't

And just for the record
Just so you know
I did not believe
That you could sink so low

You think that you can beat them
I know that you won't
You think you have everything
But no, you don't

"Did you get loved enough?"

2002-12-27T04:36:54Z

What a fucking scary question to ask someone, especially if they really have no idea what to say in return. I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm scared shitless that the best love I thought I had will be the only kind of love that I'm really worthy of. This would not be a good thing, mind you. If the only kind of love I get in life is the love I had from the first person I ever fell in love with, then I'll be forever and totally hopeless. I think I'd rather not have it at all than to be loved like it was a fucking sacrifice. Does anyone know what it's like to feel that way?

I spent a long time with someone who did love me - probably loved me in the only way he knew how to. But it's not enough. It wasn't enough. I don't need someone to tell me that they love me every single, solitary day. I just want someone who cares. It doesn't even have to entail a relationship - at least not right now, I know I don't need that. Hey, I wouldn't mind finding a guy who fit something good, something right. But I'll take just a friend. Someone who genuinely cares about me and someone I can return that feeling for.

I'm just so tired of tricky people. It makes no sense to me at all. I've never claimed to be a saint and I've never thought that I had to act like one to be accepted by anyone. But what is so wrong with finding a real soul out there? Why does it always seem so goddamn unattainable? And most of all, why do I ever bother myself of thinking about these things? Blah.

I'm not complaining, I'm really not. The people that I know and trust are great. I'm just sick to death of everyone else's bullshit.

On a last note, but totally unrelated: someone please tell me how VH1 manages to show the movie 9½ Weeks on their station? Lets just say this film definitely wasn't made for TV. Can you even show anything on television that's rated higher than PG-13? Hmmm. Well I love this movie so I can't complain - even if half of it has been edited for TV viewing.

Oh, and Atlantic City has been a lot of fun so far. I'll write more about it when I get home.

Cruisin' to Atlantic City baby!

2002-12-27T04:34:47Z

So tomorrow I'm off to Atlantic City for 6 days and I haven't done anything about packing, as usual. Whenever I take a trip anywhere, and no matter how much packing I have to do, I always pack the day before or even the day of.

It's 11:47 AM and I'm watching old 1940s musicals on TV and drinking a french vanilla cappacino. Mmmm, mmmm. It's cloudy and gloomy outside - looks like rain. Good. I like rainy days. The neighborhood's lawn mowing service is out on people's grasses right now and I hope they get rained on. They're aggravating because they're loud and they mow nonstop for quite a few hours. Hmph.

I feel like going back to sleep but I can't... I've got too much to do. I hate having things to do when I don't want to do anything. Mike just came home. Great. To top it off, I'm feeling terribly incoherent right now. Well I'm not just feeling that way, I am incoherent. Blah.

The serial sniper who has been shooting people around Maryland and northern Virginia just killed another person yesterday night in Fairfax. This is not fucking good. How many people is that now, 9 I think? I wish I would just stop hearing this on the news. I don't know why I watch the news, I hate it.

What's on my agenda:

2002-12-27T04:30:02Z

October 12th - Party at Erika's. Ashley is hopefully going to pick me up and take me home. I really hate not having my own car. Even worse, I hate that there is a car here that isn't available because it's company-owned. Damnitall. Sometimes I get tired of relying on other people to transport my ass around. Anyway, I'm looking forward to Saturday. New people to meet and old friends to see again.

October 17th thru October 21st - Going to Atlantic City. I'm staying at a really lush hotel that's right on the water. There's a casino inside, plus a beauty salon and a spa (I am so there!), a gym, etc. You know, it's for wealthy people but I'm not paying for it so it works perfectly. Zach is working on getting me a fake I.D. so that I can drink while I'm there and is trying to get me a discount. They cost a copious amount of money - up to $200 - but he said he's going to try for $120. Now I feel bad for never getting together with him again. Ah well.

October 24th - Garbage, No Doubt, and The Distillers. To say that I'm excited is an abundant understatement. I literally have not been this fucking stoked about a show in quite a long time. Ashley said the week of she's going to listen to nothing but Garbage and No Doubt to be totally wild come the day of. I think I'll do the same. I don't know how I could listen to Garbage anymore than I already do but I'm certainly gonna try. I'm going to bring all 3 albums with me on our way to Baltimore and blast each of my favorite songs. WooHoo!

November 1st thru November 3rd - Tentatively, I'm driving 4 hours up to Pittsburgh, PA to see my Papa and Uncle John. I still don't know for sure which days I'll be there, hence the fact that those above dates are tentative. However, now I don't know if Kristy and I will get to see each other. I hope we do. But if these dates do turn out to be when I go, then it's a fall through. Sniff, sniff. Another time, Pea, okay??

There's a psycho serial killer running around...

2002-12-27T04:24:03Z

I was meant to go look for a job today but I don't much feel like going out with a serial killer running somewhere around Maryland. I don't, by any means, feel that I'm stopping my life or anything - but I was going to walk over to the shopping center just across the way from me and that isn't exactly a safe thing to do right now. It makes you feel really uneasy when you walk out of your house and have to look all around you to see if there's anything strange going on.

I don't know, maybe I'm just weird, but if it makes me feel safe then so be it.

This is my horoscope for next week. It sounds pretty good:

"No matter how dynamic you feel now, you'll feel much better when Mars, planet of energy, moves in your favor on Tuesday. This is one of the best times, so don't hold back: put your heart and soul into everything you do."

Survey time!

2002-12-27T04:18:03Z

Four CDs from your collection that you will never get tired of:

1. Eight Arms To Hold You - Veruca Salt
2. Easy - Grinspoon
3. Version 2.0 - Garbage
4. Aenima - Tool

Four places you just have to go:

1. Ireland
2. Italy
3. Australia (again)
4. Seattle, WA

Four things you'd like to learn:

1. How to write a good guitar riff
2. How to deal with my horrible impatience
3. How to block out the awful things
4. How to sing better

Four beverages you drink frequently:

1. Gatorade high tide
2. Water
3. Hot tea
4. Beer

Four TV shows that were on when you were a kid:

1. Care Bears
2. Fraggle Rock
3. My Little Pony
4. The Elephant Show

Four TV shows you watch now:

1. Sex and the City
2. CSI: Miami
3. Forensic Files
4. Six Feet Under

Four places to go in your area:

1. Record & Tape Traders
2. Starbucks/Barnes & Noble
3. White Marsh
4. The Avenue

Four things that never fail to cheer you up:

1. Music
2. Friends
3. Watching Sex and the City
4. Going to shows

Four dream guys/girls:

1. Stephen richards of Taproot - POUNCE!
2. Trent Reznor - don't ask, I'm infatuated.
3. That hottie I saw at Starbucks the other week.
4. Maynard James Keenan - again, don't ask.

About 20 years ago:

1. I was a year old.
2. I lived in San Diego, CA.
3. My sister babysat me.
4. I had a cat named Hurzog and then he was hit by a car.

About 10 years ago:

1. I was living in Houston, TX.
2. I was a lot happier.
3. I pulled a few ligaments in my left leg.
4. I didn't have to worry about things I worry about now.

About 5 years ago:

1. I moved to Bel Air, MD.
2. I hated the school I was going to.
3. I was obsessed with silverchair.
4. I was so madly in love with someone completely untangible.

Busy day!

2002-12-27T04:13:20Z

Meg came over at 2:30 PM yesterday and we went over to Towson Center, one of the larger malls around here. It's quite huge, 3 floors, the whole deal. We went shopping at Hot Topic, Delia*s, Journey, and Gadzooks; all of my favorites. I got this awesome sweater at Delia*s, with blue, red, and green horizontal stripes. It's cute.

Afterwards we drove back to Bel Air and went to Starbucks/Barnes & Noble. I got this yummy citrus frappacino. It was delish. I'm not that hot on Starbucks and in fact I think their coffee tastes horrible, but they have a few good things there. We walked around Barnes & Noble, perved on one of the guys working the register, looked through magazines, etc.

We went over to Meg's house to say hi to her parents and hang out for a bit until we could think of something else to do in this horribly boring town. We took some pictures together with her webcam, surfed around on the computer and went to lipstickparty.com to make fun of some of the people there. Meg gave me her copy of About a Boy by Nick Hornby. I've been wanting to read this and she didn't want it so when she said I could have it I took it.

Around 6 PM we went to the Edgewood Thrift Lot to do even more shopping, but of a much less expense. I bought a blue sweater with white horizontal stripes and a baseball-style tee with maroon sleeves. That cost all of $3.00. I love shopping there.

We left Edgewood and drove to White Marsh to have dinner at The Avenue. As usual, we went to the Red Brick Station. It's kind of expensive but a place that Meg and I both like a lot. After dinner we went to another Barnes & Noble, in The Avenue, and one that's stacks better than the B&N here in town. We looked around for a little bit but it was entirely too busy there so we left.

By the time we got back to Bel Air it was 11:00 PM and I headed home. I had a good night and it was nice to see Meg again.

Count the headlights on the highway.

2002-12-27T04:10:23Z

Mike is blaring Elton John from the basement and I'm a floor up, sitting in the living room. I can't complain. He's playing his older stuff - of his less flamboyant years. I could do without hearing Mike sing along, though.

I wish I had some corona in the house. Oh, wait. I do! Well I've got half of a 4-pint bottle. Scooore!

George carlin = funny, funny man.

2002-12-27T04:08:05Z

So it's a definite. I'm going to Pittsburgh either at the very end of October or the beginning of November. Even better, Kristy and I will probably get to hang out. I'm so excited. Seeing my grandfather and uncle is so important to me and now I'll get to see one of my good friends.

___ is a sick, twisted, and demented person. No, I'm not referring to him and it's not even my problem. Indirectly it is because this person is causing shit for my cousin and his girlfriend.

I am getting so tired of crazy people. I really am.

Sherry, Mike's girlfriend, came over for dinner tonight. Mike set out salad, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn - the whole works. He is such a good cook. Anyway, her purpose for being here wasn't actually to have dinner. It more or less has to do with the problems in the aforementioned paragraph. That's as far as I'll go into it.

George Carlin is on HBOcomedy right now. I love how vulgar he is. He's honest about so many things that rarely anyone would dare speak up about. He's a totally spaced out man but hilarious.

"And now that we're on the topic of what's on the back of a car lets talk about the bumper stickers. Lets go out of the house and have as many bumper stickers as possible so other drivers can have reading material while behind the wheel. Wow!"

:) ...that's all I have to say.

whisperedsilent @ 2002-10-03T13:10:00

2002-12-27T04:05:46Z

Waste of paper and ink
Biding my time
While fighting sleep
Preventing health
Trying to satisfy myself
The day is over
I can't get over it
I must move on
When it is gone
One more page of insincerity, please

Feeling very, very angry.

2002-12-27T04:03:48Z

If a person has hurt you, I mean really hurt you and you hate them within every passionate bone in your body because of the awful things they've said to you and the way they've made you feel... does it then sound horrible to say that if that person died, it would no longer affect you?

If that makes me sound like some sort of monster, then well, I guess I am one - because if a certain person that I know had died, I don't think it would mean anything to me. I don't wish death upon them and I wouldn't be happy if it happened, but they're as good as dead to me anyway - and I can't even fully convey just how much truth there is to that feeling of mine. I feel sort of guilty for thinking that but this person has made me feel worse than anyone else in my life has before.

People are tricky. Most of them aren't what they seem to be. That's why it is so easy for a person to love someone at one point in their life and then hate them with every single fiber of their being.

I'm sorry for the horrible mood I've expressed and I'm sorry if I've come across as an ill-feeling person. But I don't know why I should feel anything but hatred towards this person. I'm just in a horrible mood lately.

I hate ex-boyfriends.

2002-12-27T04:01:44Z

Today has been such a _____. I can't think of a perfect word for how today was but it's some kind of negative adjective. It seemed like I was watching the clock and waiting for the next hour to turn all day long. I took a sleeping pill this morning because I slept horribly last night and I stayed in bed for the entire day. Even the zoner didn't help me sleep, though. I HATE THAT I CAN NEVER REST.

I'm meeting up with Meg this Saturday. I haven't seen her since before I left for California earlier this summer. Although we're no longer best friends that doesn't necessarily mean that we aren't friends at all. I don't know what we'll do. Bel Air is one of the most boring places to live. Ask anyone that lives here and they'll tell you.

Ashley and Erika are having a party on the 12th. I think I'll go. I won't know most people there but that's never stopped me before. Anyway, it's time for me to meet newer people. I am so sick to death of most of the people that were in my life. I need to start anew. I don't know if that's justified. I know I sometimes come off as a cynical person but when you're repeatedly dicked over by some people it doesn't always help your state of mind.

I'm going job hunting this weekend. There are a few places I know that're open on the weekends so I'll ask for an application. I wish there were some cool music shops on my side of town but alas, of course there aren't. There isn't anything remotely interesting on my side of the world right now.

This movie rocks!

2002-12-27T03:53:49Z

JESUS' SON
'Fuckhead' - Billy Crudup
'Georgie' - Jack Black
'Michelle' - Samantha Morton

"I was carrying a gun, but I never would have used it. it was so cheap, I was sure it would explode in my hands if I ever pulled the trigger, so it could only add to my humiliation." - Fuckhead

"And you can kiss my ass! She and you and her! And everybody else!" - Fuckhead
"Right!" - Michelle

"What am I gonna do about these fuckin' shoes, man? Listen to how they squish." - Georgie

"We killed the mother and saved the children!" - Georgie
"These rabbits better be kept warm." - Fuckhead
"Oh yeah!" - Georgie
"Oh, no, they're hardly moving." - Fuckhead
"Ya know what we'll do? We'll get some milk and sugar and all that. We'll raise them up ourselves. They'll get as big as gorillas." - Georgie

"Where are the rabbits?" - Georgie
"They slid around behind me and got squashed." - Fuckhead (crying)
"They slid around behind?" - Georgie
"Oh my god, everything is here! Little feet, eyelids, even whiskers! Deceased!" - Fuckhead (still crying)
"Does everything you touch turn to shit? Does this happen to you every time?" - Georgie
"No wonder everybody calls me 'Fuckhead'!" - Fuckhead
"It's a name that is going to stick." - Georgie
"I realize that." - Fuckhead
"'Fuckhead' is going to ride you to your grave!" - Georgie
"I already said so! I agreed with you in advance." - Fuckhead

I love this movie. I highly recommend that anyone check it out. It should be available at your nearby Blockbuster or video rental store. Hell yeah.

The Emmy's sucked this year.

2002-12-27T03:51:17Z

It's almost 12 AM and I just stepped out of the shower. I've always liked showering late at night. Going to sleep feeling totally refreshed helps me sleep better. As I've said before, cleanliness is important to me. I don't know why, I don't pretend to know why I'm sometimes anal or weird.

I watched the Emmy's last night and I found most of it boring. Hardly anyone I was hoping for actually won anything, minus a few good ones - Friends' finally winning and I think everyone has been waiting for that. Six Feet Under won a few, as well as Sex and the City, but overall everything was pretty mundane.

I don't like it when evil, little twits are mean to my friends. I just thought I'd share that. I don't like evil, little twits. period.

I have a crush on Chris Noth (Mr. Big). He's a hottie. I had to share that, too.

I've been searching and searching to find someone who will host me at their domain. I'm so tired of geocities. I'm tired, tired, tired. It's a pain in the ass and for once I'd like my site hosted somewhere interesting.

I have an oncoming headache and its getting worse by my trying to make this pointless entry into something not so pointless. It's time for bed. I feel delirious.